Never stop running
by V3mo
Summary: "That's the thing about dating the hospital's public enemy number one - no one is ever going to help me find my girlfriend" Its fair to say Dr Minnick hasn't made the best impression with anyone in the hospital except for Arizona. So when Eliza's in trouble there's only one person who will help. Can Arizona work out what's wrong ?
1. Chapter 1

**Arizona**

"Have you seen Eliza? I mean Minnick?" I hurry to correct myself but not before earning some raised eyebrows from Jackson.

That's the thing about dating the hospital's public enemy number one I thought wryly- no one is ever going to help me find my girlfriend. Although it doesn't help that no one knew she was my girlfriend, a fact I hated myself for all the time.

"No" Avery responded with carefully forced indifference, not even deigning to consider Eliza worthy of more than one word.

The feeling of animosity was shared by the majority of my colleagues, my friends. The new resident programme had incited all out war and the main casualty was Webber. An inspiration to all it was no surprise people had his back. And of course, I support him too, he was a rock for me through every second of the custody trial hell. I know it would hurt him to think I was even friends with her. Yet little did he know last night I was with his rival her legs wrapped round my ….

"No one's seen her, and her name isn't down on the board".

Oh April, although no fan of Minnick either, you could always rely on her benevolence to all people to ensure she'd consider the question.

By that point they'd lost interest, the whereabouts of the woman they loathed of little concern, her apparent absence if anything a cause for celebration. That just left me, the only person in this place who could possibly care about Eliza. It was up to me to find her.

If you'd have told me a month ago I'd be consumed with worry for the overly confident newcomer I'd have laughed. Even beyond her professional controversy I definitely did not see this coming. God she'd irritated me so much. Yeah, she had a very sexy something something going on, but her barging into my ORs and walking round like she owned the place soon extinguished any thoughts like that. Every time I saw her she'd throw me this smirk, the kind that said she was clearly picturing me naked her having her wicked way with me. But when I spoke to her she was more than I expected. She was funny and sweet. And maybe she could justify that smirk because she was skilled. That girl has skills. Her tongue managed to unravel me in ways that should be illegal.

I also got to see that the confidence I'd found so grating wasn't quite as I'd thought. In those quiet moments sat with her or just before she fell asleep it was almost as if I could see the cracks in the façade she spun for everyone. I could see someone who was desperate to pretend they were confident because in reality they were terrified. But as soon as the truth was there it was gone, melting away like smoke in the night, and Id get no nearer to figuring her out.

Yesterday though was different. When she got in my car last night her smile never got a chance to falter because it was non-existent. Her eyes were so black I couldn't imagine them ever being lit up again. The sheer hopelessness present turned my stomach and right now I wish I'd got her to speak to me. But she wouldn't talk. Not there in the car, not in the hallway. And not on the stairs where she dragged me up first chance she got. I should have tried harder but as soon as she'd got me in the bedroom she threw me on the bed. The final time I tried to ask her was lost before the words even left my mouth. The question was extinguished in the darkly passionate kiss Eliza gave me as her lips crashed into mine.

After that I had no capacity for speech which was exactly what she wanted. She fucked me. Hard. It was relentless and insane with a singular focus. Every time I tried to touch her, help her share a tiny part of the ecstasy she was giving me, she would throw me off. And she's stronger than me because of course I'd had to find myself another hardcore ortho brunette. No one could accuse me of having a type. In the back of my mind I knew we shouldn't be doing it, I knew she was hurting. But any time I could even begin to think of anything other than my dizzying highs, she'd torture me all over again. She teased and teased until I was reduced to such a mess I couldn't even say my own name let alone question her. The only word I was capable of was hers ,every time I begged her for release. When it was finally, mercifully over, when I was lying completely spent she leaned over and kissed me softly this time. I caught the shock of her tears as they splashed on my skin.

"Hey" I pleaded, gently wiping away her tears "talk to me".

It was her who was incapable of speech now. Instead she rolled away from me and sobbed. I couldn't bare to watch this, the horror crashing me right back down from the stratosphere of ecstasy I'd been on.

I wrapped my arms around her, this time resisting all her attempts to remove me. Eventually she surrendered, and I held her helplessly as she sobbed herself to sleep. That was the last thing I saw last night. I woke up to cold sheets and an empty house. No note, no text. My girlfriend broke down last night and now no one has seen her. As every minute passes, I worry more. Where are you Eliza?


	2. Chapter 2

**Arizona**

 _Call log_

 _7.00 am Hey you left early- called into surgery? Let me know when you're free later ? x_

 _8.00am You're not here and your name isn't on the board, what's going on? Call me x_

 _8.45am Missed Call_

 _9.30am Missed Call_

 _12.37am Missed Call_

 _12.40am This isn't funny Eliza. Call me now_

 _13.30pm Missed Call_

 _13.33pm If you don't want to talk at least let me know you're ok. Please I care about you please let me know you're safe x_

The surgeries I had today were tough. I'm normally good at switching everything else off but in the back of my head there was a constant hum of concern; a torturous ear worm writhing in my mind. After I came out of my five hour surgery and still had nothing from her, the hum had turned into a roar.

Fine I thought. You want to ignore me- ignore this.

I rang. No response. And again. No response.

I kept ringing 3 times, 5 times, 7.

I wasn't angry anymore, as the number of missed calls crept up my anger ebbed until I was just gripped by cold panic. What if this is really bad?

My shift was finished but I wasn't leaving- how could I go home where the last thing she'd done there was shatter before heading out into god knows what?

I gave it one last try.

 _20.00pm Eliza if I haven't heard from you in an hour I'm going to the police. Please just let me know where you are x_

I checked again that the volume was set to max. It had to be the 50th time Id checked and even if it was off I was so desperate for anything to come through I'd have heard a pin drop. I put it on the desk and try to distract myself with charts, every few minutes or so my eyes were magnetically pulled to the wall clock and its ominous countdown.

It's 8.55 – still nothing. When I sent it I wasn't sure I would go to the police. I just wanted to get a response from her. I know what they're going to say. A grown woman who often moves around the country, left after crying post sex? I'm sure the only concern they're going to have is for my skills. Still I have to try. Its hard to know exactly when 24 hours has been what with her leaving when I'm asleep but the sheets were like ice I know she's been gone a long time.

Psyching myself up for what I'm sure is going to be a deeply awkward experience I grab my coat. Finally, at 8.55 a sound sweeter than any music right now comes with my phone's text alert.

Thank god

There's no words it's just a zip code, and one that looks unfamiliar. Hurrying to my car I input my hard earned missive from Eliza into the GPS and follow its instructions, desperately hoping she'll be there at the end.


	3. Chapter 3

I've been driving about 30 minutes and I don't recognise any of these streets. I've lived in Seattle years, Eliza months how has she made it to the furthest reaches of the city? The GPS guides me to my last turn and I'm in an abandoned industrial estate. What the hell are you doing here Eliza? Leaving the car, I scan the multitude of empty crates and skips searching for life. Specifically, the tall brunette who I'm so desperate to see.

As I keep walking I'm finally rewarded, she's there sat behind a broken wooden crate, her back flat against the wood. She's staring ahead with her hand wrapped tightly round a bottle of vodka. A considerably empty bottle of vodka. She hasn't heard me approach behind her.

"Eliza" my voice harsh, as glad as I am to see her I can't help release a fraction of the fear I've felt today.

When she flinches in response I instantly regret it- I can be angry later; right now she's in no state.

Crouching down in front of her I gently put my hand on hers to reassure her.-it's me, I'm here, I won't hurt you. She looks up at me and I survey her. She doesn't look like the Eliza I remember. Her face is pale and drawn and there's blood on her left hand. Prising it from the bottle she's gripping for dear life I see why; there's a nasty cut across her palm with shards of glass caught in which sparkle malevolently. Thankfully that seems to be her only injury, but it doesn't make me happy. She's freezing and drunk in a scrapyard all alone- she isn't yet safe.

I put my hands under her arms to avoid using her injured hand and help her up. My arm wraps around her waist as I slowly guide her to the car battling her considerable unsteadiness on her legs.

"There we go" I say as we reach my car. She just stares so its up to me to open the car door and ease her inside. I crank the heating up to try desperately warm her; all she's wearing is her thin work blazer from yesterday.

She still hasn't spoken but I force myself to just think about the next step. Get her home, get her warm. Ok – get her home, get her warm.

My mantra ran out a little while ago. We've been back about an hour and she's still silent. At first I spoke about nothing just to fill it but I soon tired of it. I draped a blanket around her and place a bowl of soup in front of her. I thought id have to force her to eat. When I first put it in front of her she just looked confused but when I gently prompted her she picked up the spoon and ate. It was a start. She didn't eat with me last night, so this could be her first food in two days.

Once she'd eaten I was able to clean her hand. She sat patiently as I removed the shards and dressed the wound. It should be ok, and it isn't her surgery hand, although right now I doubt she's even capable of thinking about being in an OR.

It's so disturbing seeing her this quiet. Normally she's such a dominant character, she knows what she wants, and she'll make sure you know what she wants as well. Don't get me wrong she isn't dominant all the time, I wouldn't let that happen and I have definitely had fun making her see that. But right now, she seems so different from the woman who confidently told me to go for a drink with her.

It was made even clearer when I got her in the shower. There had been many mornings where we'd very nearly been late for work as we'd been having too much fun, staying in there long after the water went cold. Now the scene was different. I was still pulling off her clothes but not driven by wild abandon instead helping the lifeless limbs in front of me. Where other mornings I'd dragged her in the shower determined to tag one on to the night before, now I just sat her on my shower chair, letting the spray wash over her. And although again she made no efforts to leave this time it was due to passivity rather than passion, so I took her out and dressed her in an oversize navy t.

Finally, we could both crash in bed. Her eyes shutting immediately as she surrendered to sleep. I didn't follow her. I was so tired, but I couldn't let myself relax. I crept out quietly grabbing a water bottle from the fridge then reaching back for another I knew her vodka soaked liver would eventually crave. On a sudden impulse I took the keys out of the door and brought them up with me putting them in my bedside drawer; I didn't want to be ran out on a second time. She was still asleep when I got back. She finally looked peaceful and I watched her to try erase the sight of the broken woman I'd seen earlier from my mind. It was that which allowed me to drift off.

 _1am_.

I'm awoken by the open bathroom door and the harsh light glaring out. As I enter Eliza is hunched over the toilet not acknowledging my entrance as her body is again wracked by heaves. I go retrieve the water.

"Vodka huh" handing it out to her.

"Yeah you could say that" she groans before taking a swig.

She's speaking. I'm surprised, we were very far from speaking a few hours ago never mind wry comments.

I don't get chance to follow up as she's sick again. I hold her hair off her face and gently rub her back as yesterdays spirits continue to haunt her. When a few minutes have passed without incident I risk chancing it.

"You done?"

"Yeah think that's it"

I offer my hands this time and she takes them "let's go back to bed".

Just before I turn off the lights she calls me softly "Arizona".

It's hesitant, she's asking me a question but doesn't know where to begin.

"Sleep now. Just sleep ok?".

It's not the time so I turn out the light.

 _4am_

There's a thud coming from the floor below. I turn on the light and for a second time in as many days find an empty bed. Damn this really doesn't do anything for my ego. I quickly poke my head in the bathroom to check she's not just too sick to bother with the lights. Its empty including her clothes, she really is gunning for a full repeat.

I find her in the kitchen searching for the key.

"What is it with you huh and running from my bed? It's deliberately light but I give her a look which tells her I'm not impressed.

"The key is missing" her voice is hopeful it nearly makes me laugh, she's really optimistic enough to think I'll just open the door right now?

"So I see. Why are you looking for it at 4am?

She glares and we're not playing anymore.

"Thought I'd make it easier we both know what happens next"

I reciprocate her anger.

"No you don't, don't you dare. I was worried sick yesterday you don't turn around and say I'd just leave".

She looks contrite.

"You're right I'm sorry I didn't mean it to sound like that"

"Talk to me" I implore.

"You said you wouldn't leave but you really should I like you Arizona I really like you "

I smile and interrupted "I like you too"

She shakes her head sadly "then let me do this. You don't want to hear this trust me you don't. I know today was a lot and it might take a while, but we can go back to before. I can rock your world on an evening and you keep your friends at the hospital"

She tries for a smile but she just looks sad.

"Is that what you want?" I whisper.

This time she does smile. "I want you to be happy Arizona. I think you're amazing of course I'd want more. But I won't make you happy, it's better this way".

She reaches for my hands now "it's ok I promise, it's for the best". She kisses me gently on the cheek "where's the key?".

I have to decide now. In a way she's right maybe it would be better for me; great sex no complications. I should say yes. Except I can't; there's just something that makes me want to take a chance, go for something more.

"No" I tell her.

"What?"

She looks shocked I get the impression no one has ever taken this kind of gamble on her before.

"No. So sit down and tell me everything."

As we both sit down as the kitchen table we're heading into the unknown.


	4. Chapter 4

**Eliza**

This has been the most ridiculous couple of days, but this moment has to top it. I just gave a woman an out; a choice of hot, meaningless sex and a swerve on all my crap. It's an offer I've made plenty of times before, normally they're relieved, they're thrilled. This time it's not an offer I can follow through on, but I was so sure she'd say yes. That she'd judge I'm just a hook up and save herself this bother. For the first time though someone said no and not just any woman, a woman like Arizona Robbins. So now I'm sat at her kitchen table watching her impatiently wait for me to explain. Which is a problem because there is a hell of a lot to explain.

I knew I freaked her out the other night. The phone call I received earlier meant there was no way I wouldn't be leaving in one way or another. I should never have got in the car with her but if I had to leave I just wanted one last chance to say goodbye.

If that was my last night with her there was no way I was going to waste time talking. And once I'd started with her I made sure of that. God that woman is amazing. I wouldn't let her touch me and she still blew my mind. Just watching her come undone its well, it's something else. I think its because she fights until the very last second to try stay in control. I've always been the more dominant in relationships but she's another level. I like to be in control, but I'll give it up. I mean Arizona made me give it up many times. But her desire for control runs deep; she has some serious control issues- although who the hell am I to talk about issues.

Watching her that night completely under my command was the best leaving gift I could ever have. And then what did I go and do. What's the best thing to do after super-hot sex? Cry of course. Not just cry full on sob. It definitely was not my finest moment. When I finally stopped I couldn't remember ever feeling more embarrassed. Every fibre in my body was twitching to get out there and then but in a renewed burst of strength Arizona held me tight in her arms. All I could do was breathe through it and pretend to fall asleep until she eventually drifted off. After I silently got dressed I risked giving her one last kiss on her forehead before I walked out into the night.

Nothing good happens in Seattle after midnight. I'd found a sleazy bar and hammered tequila shots until my throat had burned more than my embarrassment. It wasn't joe's the hospital watering hole I'd tried once. No, it was touchy feely in there he'd have stopped serving me pretty quickly with the rate I went that night. In there though the bar staff didn't show such consideration and I was able to get pretty wrecked. Still every place has their limit and eventually I was told I wouldn't have anymore. I didn't take the news well and ran my mouth a little. Security dragged me out and I fell on the sidewalk my hand crashing into the broken glass littering the ground. When I somehow managed to drag myself up I just kept walking. I didn't have a clue where I was going and I really didn't care, I just put one foot in the other. I stopped in a corner stop and bought some vodka and chewing gum. The seller didn't even comment on the hour I imagined he'd seen it all. I eventually arrived by the estate and I stopped there. It was nowhere, no one would ever come here and by that point I'd walked for hours. I sat down behind a crate somewhere and cracked open my vodka.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to bright skies and two texts and a missed call from Arizona. Grey Sloan is a gossip mill, I'd heard a full summary of Arizona Robbins before I asked for a drink including numerous tales of her sexual prowess. I'm pretty sure she'd never had had a walkout. I had a girl run out once but as the other participant stayed I wasn't too heartbroken. I just stayed there for hours drinking vodka and enjoying the increasing numbness.

My phone bleeped jarringly every now and then, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything in those hours.

I must have noticed that the sky had got darker because when I checked my phone again it was 8pm. And there were 5 texts and 10 missed calls. The last message she'd sent me said she was going to go to the police. I took a big swig of vodka to deal with that unfortunate news. I really didn't want the police to be involved- they would have checked with work and I didn't want a mark on my record for going AWOL now I'd need another job. I didn't want to speak to anyone either, so I sat and tortured myself about which I wanted least.

When it got to 8.50 I still hadn't made a decision. It said on her message if she hadn't heard from me, but I knew there was no way she was going to leave it at that. I decided to resign myself to the inevitable and found the zip code on my GPS because I didn't have the first clue where I was. It was still difficult to press send, I took a deep breath gritted my teeth and somehow pressed the button. And after rewarded myself with a big drink.

Eliza. Her voice startled me but by then the vodka had really hit. My head was swimming, not surprising because I don't think I'd eaten in days before I spent all day downing spirits. When her hand was on mine I tried to look her in the eye, but I couldn't keep it for long. Then everything that happened next was like it happened to a stranger. It was as if I was there and not there at the same time. I watched her haul me up and put me in her car. I saw her when she made me eat and sat me in her shower. Finally, she made no demands of me and I crashed into unconsciousness.

I felt like death when I woke up and ran to the bathroom. I'm normally able to handle my alcohol but I did push it that time. She was with me holding my hair and getting me up of the floor. I began to feel a little better but the only thing I was capable of was sleep.

I woke up again and found Arizona beside me sleeping quietly. I knew it was going to be better this way but was sad that my departing gift this time was a catatonic shower rather than the wild sex I'd had last time. I retrieved my clothes from the bathroom and crept down the stairs. When I tried the door I discovered it was locked, the key wasn't in the lock as it normally was. And then she was there with me, eyes accusatory wanting to know what the hell I was doing. I didn't blame her she'd had to pick up the pieces of the mess I'd become which is why I was so desperate to leave. I didn't want her to have to deal with this. I even offered her no strings sex, I thought she'd jump at the chance. Everyone always does and none of them had to lie to their friends or had a recent marriage break up in the mix. Hearing her refuse was surreal no one has ever cared enough to make me talk to them. And as amazing as that is it means I will have to talk to her. Which scares me to death.


	5. Chapter 5

**Eliza**

"Enough"

Arizona is clearly done with waiting.

"I'm sorry". I am, I just don't know how to start.

"I'll ask questions if it makes it easier, but I need you to talk to me ok?".

Her voice is firm and I don't think I have any other option than to agree so I nod my head.

"How the hell did you end up at the estate? What were you doing there?"

I'm surprised by how upset she seems it hadn't occurred to me she'd care so much.

"I went to a bar I'd seen once after I went from yours. When I left I just picked a direction and started walking and ended up there"

She tips her head to my bandaged hand lying on the table "what happened to it?"

I shrug "I fell on some glass".

"Why did you ignore me yesterday?" her voice is soft, she sounds upset rather than angry I look intensely at the table unable to watch her reaction.

"I just needed to feel nothing".

I can feel the intensity of her gaze even though I refuse to meet it.

"When did you leave the other night?"

She isn't going to like this answer.

"Midnight".

I can feel her body tense next to me and I'm guessing she's done some mental maths and realised I walked out a little less than an hour after sleeping with her. My eyes are still glued to her table, so I'm surprised when her hand is placed on top of mine, the warmth of her hand comforting me as only Arizona can.

"You were alone all that time?" It's not a question just an acknowledgement, yesterday I had managed to feel nothing but sitting here now each question adds to the guilt I feel.

She shakes her head at me sadly "why did you leave the other night, what happened?"

How can she not know what happened? I cringe and say the words as quietly as I can as if the low volume will make it less pathetic.

"I sobbed after sex, how could I stay after that I thought you were going to hate me".

"Hey, look at me" I steadfastly refuse, right now I want the ground to swallow me up.

"Look at me" she insists again.

She waits until I can't take it any longer and bring me eyes up to reach hers.

"I would never hate you for crying wherever, whenever it was".

There's such compassion in her eyes and the look alone almost makes everything ok.

"And I owe you an apology"

What why on earth would she think she should apologise to me.

"I knew you were upset that night I shouldn't have let you. I should have been able to stop".

I can't help but smile "babe there was no way you have stopped me".

"Alright bighead" she teases "you did it on purpose?".

"Partly to stop you asking but mainly I just wanted the memory".

"Memory? Why do you need a memory?"

"I can't stay". I promised Arizona I would talk to her, but it was always going to come to this, there is no way I can stay here anymore.

"Don't bother you're not leaving" she thinks I mean the house again.

She takes both my hands in hers as if the act alone would be enough. If only that was the case.

"Not this house Arizona, Seattle. I can't stay.

"Is it the hospital? I know I should support you publicly I'm sorry. We'll go in and we'll talk to them, I'll make them that you're good for this place I promise".

I move in to stop her rambling.

"That's sweet baby but my problem is a little more than some playground bullying".

It's completely the wrong moment but I feel compelled to defend my reputation "and besides you think id be scared by a little office politics you know me better than that. Although I would love to see you rant at them all especially Meredith that would be awesome".

It's her turn to interrupt now.

"Then what is it? What has you scared you have to leave, are you in trouble?"

Am I in in trouble, it's such a euphemistic question if only she knew. But she does want to know and even though I said I'd be honest I don't think I can.

She's persistent though "You can't just up and leave I know they haven't shown it but honestly they're good guys they'll help if you're in trouble".

I can't bear to listen to her try to help me anymore, so I say the words I know will end all that.

"I have to go because I'm a killer".

Her hands are still on mine. I just told her I'm a killer I don't understand how she can bear to still touch me. We're doctors we save people, I mean she saves babies for Christ's sake she should want to throw me out of the door not sit and hold my hands.

"Oh sweetheart. You're not a killer. If something happened, if you made a mistake it will be ok. I know you feel awful but you're not the only doctor who's ever made a mistake we all have".

She really is the sweetest person.

"It wasn't a patient". As awful as it is I really wish it was.

"You're telling me you killed someone?" she sounds sceptical she still doesn't believe me.

"Yeah" I say softly hating myself for having to confirm what I've done.

"Who?".

"Please don't" I beg her.

Her voice is mocking "no go on you're telling me you killed someone who was it?"

She still thinks I'm lying, I wish I could feel offended, but I guess actually killing someone robs me of that.

"Arizona please" my voice cracks I know I don't deserve it but I'm praying she'll show me mercy.

She doesn't, all of her compassion gone now as she continues to interrogate me "who was it Eliza? Who did you kill?"

And the truth comes tumbling out.

"My sister. I killed my sister".

She'd disgusted now she can barely look at me. Suddenly I'm desperate for her to know the truth.

"We were 21 we'd both just passed our exams and I dragged her out to celebrate. She was always the Carina she always did her homework she did everything right. She didn't want to go out that night but I persuaded her, I appealed to her sense of responsibility told her she couldn't let me go drink by myself. I was smashed, and some guys were giving me grief, but I didn't listen like I always do, I got mouthy and I got myself in trouble. We had to get away quickly. She was tipsy, but she just wanted to keep me safe. I walked away with a head lac and she had an epidural haematoma that they didn't catch until after it killed her. Her last words to me were it's not your li I just shouldn't have listened to you".

"I killed her. I killed her."

I can't stop saying it the three words which have haunted me for years.

Arizona's arms are around me pulling me up from my chair until I fall into her chest. I'm sobbing now I don't think I'll ever stop.

"I killed her. I killed her" I don't even notice I'm saying it.

She kisses the top of my head

"No baby" she tells me shaking her head "you're not a killer".

Her arms wrap around me even tighter as I continue to cry for carina, for Arizona's mercy and the fact I'll have to give it up.

She continues to console me as a I sob until finally I have no more tears left to cry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Arizona**

My head is spinning as I'm desperately trying to keep up with the crazy situation that's unfolding. I don't know what I was expecting to have caused her to be so upset the other night. Then she was missing, and I was so distracted with looking after her I didn't have the chance to give it another thought. I don't think I'd have expected anything like this though.

When she said she was a killer I assumed it was guilt about a patient. We're so used to saving lives, having that power that sometimes we forget we're only human, we make mistakes, we can't always save everyone. I thought she was beating herself up about a surgery. When she persisted though told me it wasn't a patient that's where it all started to come apart. I knew she wouldn't lie about something like that, but I wanted her to be. I didn't want it to be true, who would. I knew though deep down she wasn't. She wasn't making it up, but she alsowasn't a killer, she couldn't be. The woman who had kissed me, loved me could not be a killer.

Watching her tell me about her sister was horrible. Not just because it hurt to see in her so much pain but because she really did believe she was a killer. Her eyes couldn't see what mine saw, all the goodness she has and instead she truly believed the terrible loss was on her.

We are in such a mess. I have my arms wrapped around her and it's as if I'm trying to keep her together. If I can just hold on tight enough, I'll be able to piece together the broken edges of her soul which have fallen apart in front of me in the last 24 hours.

I take a deep breath trying to work out what to do.

I lift her chin up so she has to look at me, she needs to see I mean this.

"Hey I know you're hurting and I know you think you have to run. But please give me a day ok give us the chance to talk about it tonight and we'll work it out I promise. Please Eliza I need you to tell me you're going to stay.

She looks torn. I know myself how tempting it is to run from the pain. What was it mark said to me all those years ago – when things get tough I bail. Harsh but true. And who wouldn't want to bail on this, the pain of losing your sister, your twin.

"Please Eliza stay and if you still want to run I'll let you go I will. But you can't go anywhere like this you haven't slept in days you're all over the place it isn't safe. Please, stay."

She nods. Thank god I don't think anything good would happen if she ran out like this.

Now I know she's ok for the moment I'm suddenly hit with the tidal wave of exhaustion from everything thing that's happened. I don't know how Eliza's even still standing.

"Come on you need to sleep ok" I guide her back upstairs.

As she lies next to me I can feel her fear, she desperately needs to rest but she can't let go.

I lie my arm across her and draw gently figures on her stomach trying to get her to relax.

"Go to sleep babe, it's ok you're ok just sleep".

Her body begins to calm as I continue to reassure her.

Finally, she drifts off.

I stare at the ceiling in the darkness focussed now on what I have to do next- keep Eliza in Seattle.


	7. Chapter 7

**Eliza**

I wake up in an empty bed with the sun creeping through the crack in the curtains. It must be late. I lean over to check the time, 1pm. Wow it really is late, but I guess I haven't slept much in the last few days.

There is a note for me on the kitchen table :

Eliza,

Had to go in for my shift. I've called in sick for you today and yesterday. There's coffee in the cupboard and some of those pastries I know you like in the fridge, some takeout as well. I'll see you later, it's all going to be ok Ax

I smile at her thoughtfulness and open the fridge, grabbing one of the mini Danishes. Man so good. I feel weirdly calm it's kind of like suspended animation. The quiet hours now before everything changes all over again.

I said I'd stay so I stay. I take a shower and manage a bit better than the last time I was in there. I borrow some of her trackies and her oversize Hopkins jumper that smells so much of her, lying on her sofa just enjoying being able to think about nothing.

By 4 I get nervous worrying about the conversation that's to come. I have to do something, so I vacuum the house in a frenzy. I'm still stressing so I head over to kitchen thinking I'll make dinner as a thank you. I scan the cupboards, I'm not spoilt for choice, Arizona clearly isn't a keen chef, but between the meagre contents I recognise the ingredients for a Polish dish my mum used to make. I lose myself in measuring and cooking, it takes a while because you have to mix all the spices together and leave them to marinate. The cooking had distracted me from thinking about the time, so I'm surprised when I look up and it's 6. Arizona enters soon after.

"Hey" she greets brightly, I think she' relieved I'm still here.

"Hi" I reply a little awkward, I can't help it I'm embarrassed knowing she saw me when I was such a mess "I made dinner".

"You didn't have to".

"No it's ok"

We eat dinner and try talk normally. Arizona fills me in on her day and tries to lighten the mood by regaling me with the latest saga in the very messy relationship two of the scrub nurses are having. I've been to a lot of hospitals and there's always some relationships going down but Grey Sloan again can rival them all for workplace liaisons. I guess I can't complain too much though or else I wouldn't have met Arizona. I try follow her story, fake a laugh in all the right places but I hate this. This is why I like to leave to avoid this awkward moment before the inevitable, instead I'm drowning in it.

"Eliza"

I look up and realise Arizona has noticed my absence.

"You were miles away" she smiles gently.

"Sorry"

"You still want to go don't you"

"I have to"

"I get it, you scared but I know now I can help".

There's nothing I'd like more right now but I know I can't.

"It's not that"

"Then what is it?"

I'm suddenly reminded of the night we kissed at the hospital. We'd been pretending to hate each other all day, catching moments where we could. Whenever any of the other surgeons came by we'd pretend to fight while I whispered in her ear how much fun it was playing the game. As we left that day though she launched into this amazing rant telling me she didn't want people to think I was a horrible person, that I was doing a good thing with my programme. It was sweet her feeling she had to defend my honour. It was also incredibly hot. In the end I'd shut her up so I could kiss her. Even back then she'd thought I was a good person it makes it harder to tell her I'm not.

"Do you remember when I kissed you at the hospital? When you told me it wasn't fun, and you just rambled at me until I had to kiss you?

"Of course I do" her tone is wary she thinks I'm dodging.

"You told me I care about the residents but you were wrong that's not why I do this job".

She waits for my elaboration.

" I do it because I can run. I never have to be in one place for long. I'm normally not liked when I arrive and by the time people have stopped thinking I'm not the worst person who's ever come through the doors it's time to go. No one to stay in touch, no one to care where I'm going".

"I haven't been home in 8 years, haven't been in one place more than 6 months".

Arizona nods understanding a little of the life I've been leading.

"My Mum called me she got my number somehow".

"Your mum doesn't have your number?" she asks shocked.

"No I haven't spoken to them since the crash".

"What did she say?"

"My dad he's dying. Lung cancer doesn't surprise me he always did smoke way too much".

"Eliza god I'm sorry. Why didn't you say of course you'd have to go home anyone would".

I squirm uncomfortably.

"That's not where I'm going" I say quietly.

"What?"

"No kind of torn actually got an offer from Columbia but the Brig expressed interest. I mean they're both great hospitals and I'm keen to see Columbia's ortho department, they're doing this research on".

"Eliza stop".

I was trying to avoid the subject I know it's childish.

"You're right it isn't a decision is it, it has to be the Brig" I try again, but looking into her stony face tells me it won't work.

"Why aren't you going home?"

"They blame me" I tell her sharply, uncomfortable under her accusations.

"They blame me, I can't go back if I go back if I see them …" I falter not knowing the words to capture my fear. I quickly try compose myself.

"No I can't go back. But she found my number they might find I'm here. Not sure how she got it but guess it doesn't matter, I'll go somewhere else again". I determinedly avoid her eye knowing she's going to tell me something I don't want to hear.

"He's dying" she says quietly.

I ignore her.

"He's dying Eliza he just wants to see his daughter before he dies".

"You don't get it" I try appeal.

"No I do honestly I do. They were grieving and they lashed out at you because you were there. And that's horrible I know. But that was 8 years ago, they'll just want to see you".

"I can't. You could come to the Brig too if you want sure they'd love to have you as an attending. I could get a good deal for you, you know I can be very persuasive".

"Eliza" she intones forcefully.

"I can't" I whisper.

We're silent now, at an impasse.

"I'll come with you" she tells me.

"What?" I can't believe I heard her right.

"I'll come with you to your parents".

"Why would you do that?" I don't understand why she would volunteer for an epic form of hell.

She looks confused by my question "to help you".

"And because I understand what it's like to lose someone too".

I raise my eyebrows curious.

"Not now but I will".

I nod, I haven't exactly earned her past with my behaviour of late.

"We'll go this weekend, I'll be there with you. I know you're scared but this will be good for you I know it".

Her voice is so earnest. I make myself look in her eyes and the shimmering compassion shining in those beautiful baby blues.

Everything tells me this is a horrible idea, but I can't help but let myself be caught up in her hope. If she sees something in me maybe I do deserve forgiveness after all, maybe she's right.

Maybe she's right, please let her be right.


	8. Chapter 8

**Arizona**

I've never been particularly good meeting the parents. My first encounter with Callie's dad went surprisingly well for me. Through most of my teens and twenties it was less successful. Authority issues + new relationship nerves = tears.

I'm not worried about that this time, but I've enjoyed today more than I thought. I didn't offer to come for fun, I did it because she deserves support. Still despite some initial awkwardness because of her anxiety we had fun. It was classic road trip, cd's blaring, laughing and telling stories. She told me about her university exploits where she'd clearly been a very busy girl. In return I was teased mercilessly when I let slip I used to wear heelies.

Now though in our hotel room it's hit her again. We weren't just driving for a weekend away, we came for her to see the family she hasn't spoken to for nearly a decade. In twelve hours we'll be there, she's trying to pretend she's ok, but I know she's not.

I know how she feels, worrying about what's to come the next day. You're dreading it but longing for it at the same time, just so you don't have to feel the horror of waiting for a second longer. I was the same before my prosthetic fitting, all I could concentrate on was the clock as it crept forward. Nothing I could say to her will make it better, but I might have an idea of something I could do to her instead.

She's scanning the room service menu for the hundredth time clearly finding the hidden fascination in the twelve-item list. It would be more convincing if we hadn't already eaten, or in her case attempted to eat.

I walk across the room and grab the scarf I threw on the chair earlier before sitting next to her on the bed. I reach across and take the menu out of her hands and throw it off the bed. She looks like she's going to protest but I don't give her chance.

"I don't think you'll find what you're looking for on there".

"No?" she smirks.

"No" I reply smugly, moving in to kiss her.

She leans into it, her tongue challenging mine for dominance. I grant her access I want her to think she's in control – for now anyway. As she deepens the kiss I take advantage of her distraction pushing her backwards so lying on her back and pinning her hands above her head.

I give her a malevolent grin.

"Do you know babe it really hurt my feelings when you left me in bed".

She gulps, she knows she's in trouble.

I keep her wrists pinned but remove one hand and crawl my fingers up her stomach, inching up torturously slowly, pulling her shirt up to leave her stomach exposed.

"I was very …. very …. upset". I lean down and punctuate each word with a feather light kiss enjoying the goose bumps rise on her skin.

I graze the sensitive spot behind her ear with my teeth and she can't help but turn her face away. My lips rush to her pulse point and I bite and suck passionately- just managing to catch myself before I leave a mark; that might not make the best impression for her tomorrow. It just means I'll have to have my fun elsewhere.

"Arizona" she moans as I leave her neck and she tries to catch me in a kiss. She wishes it was like that, but I had something else in mind.

I grin in response and lean back to grab my scarf.

"Oh no baby, I don't think so" shaking my head at her with a smirk "that's now how this is going to work".

"See I need to make sure you can't hurt my feelings again". I raise the scarf up so she can see, and her eyes widen in understanding. Let the fun begin.

I really did want to help distract Eliza from worrying when I started this. But is it also a tiny bit about the fact she jumped out of bed right after fucking me senseless? Well maybe just a little.

Still this way suits us both. Right now Eliza couldn't care less what was happening in 10 minutes time never mind 10 hours time. No as she lies naked on the bed her only worry is the torture of my fingers leaving her skin. And I'm getting to enjoy the sight before me and give her just a little of what she gave me a few days ago.

"Arizona please".

She's panting now desperately trying to control her breathing.

"Please what love?" I ask sweetly.

"Please let me come."

I increase the pressure on her clit and her back arches involuntarily. I keep teasing her clit with my thumb and thrust two fingers into her throbbing centre. It doesn't take long until her walls tighten around them, she's close.

"Wouldn't it be a shame if I had to leave now?" I ask deviously.

"No please" she struggles against her ties.

I pull out seconds before she tumbles over the edge and crawl away from her to the end of the bed.

"I'm sorry sweetheart was that a bad time to go?" my voice heavy with mock concern.

She whimpers in frustration.

I inch forward a little closer.

"Spread them" I order, and she instantly complies.

I lean forward and blow against her centre and she can't help but moan.

"Is this near enough?".

She's lost in the agony I'm inflicting.

"Eliza" I sing song and blow again on her clit "is this near enough?".

"No" she whines knowing there's nothing she can do but submit to my torture.

"No?" I pretend to be confused. I crawl a little further forward and kiss my way up her thighs painfully slowly. My eyes darken as she trembles when I ghost my hand on her inner thigh being careful to keep my hands from where she wants them most.

"What about now?"

"Please"

I leap frog up her body and tease her nipples with my tongue before rolling them between my fingers where they pebble under my touch.

She groans in frustration shutting her eyes as she tries to control the overwhelming desire she's feeling. Unfortunately for her tonight that's my job.

I move up the bed until I'm level with her and lie next to her pressing my body into hers.

"This is how I was the other night before you left me. I could feel you next to me and then you were gone".

I tease her, running my fingers up her side.

"I couldn't feel your warmth anymore or have your soft skin next to mine. It made me very sad".

"Do you want me to get out of bed and leave you alone Eliza?" Would you like that?".

"No, no please".

"Tell me you're sorry" I whisper into her ear before leaning down to bite her breast and she hisses in response.

"Tell me your sorry you left me".

"I'm sorry" she pants.

I lie on top of her, my core throbs as I feel the warmth of her against me, and I push my knee into her centre.

"It's mean isn't it to take your gorgeous body away from me".

I slowly inch myself down her torso licking a path from in between her breasts all the way down her stomach.

"I'm sorry, please Arizona".

I run my tongue up the length of her folds flicking the swollen nub at the ascent.

"You're dripping" I tell her smugly "You want me?" I ask needlessly, right now she wants nothing else.

"So much, please Arizona".

I finally take pity on her. Without warning I enter her with three fingers filling her properly for the first time.

She moans in pleasure as I curl my fingers to hit her g spot.

I stroke her swollen clit while maintaining my rhythm as her hips arch to desperately increase the friction.

She's there.

"Come for me. Come now".

Her body shudders as she rides the high she's been granted.

Untying her hands I give her a tender kiss. She really is amazing, and I know her mind if definitely not on tomorrow anymore.

"Hey" I tip my head on one side and ask her with a faux sad voice, "I'm still upset, is there any way you could make it up to me?"

Her eyes flash with desire "I think I might have an idea" she tells me with a grin.

I think I feel better already.


	9. Chapter 9

**Eliza**

Ow. There's an ache in my muscles, the best kind of ache. Last night was … unexpected. Don't get me wrong when I saw her reaction to the time I walked out on her I knew I'd be in trouble. But I didn't expect to pay for it quite like that. Not that I'm complaining it was really something.

Pay I did. Arizona was apparently wracked with pain about my leaving that only torturing me could salve. I'm enjoying a mental replay of the highlights but as soon as I sit up and remember where we are the smile slides off my face. The bland hotel room before me is a stark reminder of why I'm here, I'm seeing my parents today. It's 6am, I'm meeting them at 9 so we can head back that day. In three hours I'll be back at my old house, it scares me so much I can barely breathe.

I gently extract myself from Arizona's protective grip, I need some air, or I think I'm going to explode. I'm careful to check she hasn't stirred but she's out cold probably exhausted from her efforts last night. Despite her lesson I leave her bed once more pull on some clothes and nip to the café around the corner. I reckon I can get away with it, it's just around the corner, because I'll be for it if she wakes up alone again. Although I think it was a lesson I'm happy to revise.

I make it back to our room with bagels and coffee. She's still sleeping soundly, and I enjoy just getting to watch her in her unguarded state. I can't stop pacing my body is filled with nervous energy I just can't expel. I walk up and down the room, a relentless back and forth on the faded green hotel carpet.

"Eliza" she yawns propping herself up against the pillows.

"I'm here. Coffee?" I hand it to her. I was half expecting her to ask what I'm doing but she doesn't, I think she can feel my stress from there.

I keep pacing "it's a decent bagel I do love a bagel in the morning. Although my fave is probably a blueberry muffin".

Arizona just smiles sadly not bothering to comment on my manic ramblings.

"There was this guy who lived in our house intern year. Typical lad, big drinker, played a mean game of poker, boringly hetero. We got on well, I'm a bit of a shark at poker, are you? I bet you are we should play sometime ooh strip poker even better".

"Eliza" she tries to interject but I ignore her.

"Anyway, he had a bad loss one day I came back with beers figured he'd want to get drunk and fight me for a pretty girl. But he was baking, I caught him baking blueberry muffins. Surprisingly good muffins. He was so embarrassed it was like I'd caught him with his pants down. That did happen as well, one time I found him..."

"Eliza".

It's louder this time. I hadn't noticed in my pacing, but Arizona had put on her prosthetic and was stood next to me.

"It's going to be ok" she puts her hands on my upper arms stilling my frantic feet "it's going to be ok".

We pull up outside my house. Seeing the house again takes all the breath from my lungs. It's the visceral shock of seeing the place, the backdrop of all my memories and nightmares, it's like being submerged in icy water. There's the mismatched bricks in the wall outside a victim of a go cart Carina and I assembled one summer. The white pole on the porch where we posed for our prom pictures one of us leaning either side with our arms wrapped tightly around each other's waist. Even though everything in the inside imploded the house has the audacity to look exactly the same.

I think I'm going to be sick, I can't do this I just can't. I'm going to tell her, tell her to drive off that I'm sorry for making her drive for hours but we made a mistake. I want to say something; my brain is screaming my desperation to leave but I've lost all capacity for words. Arizona faces me and gently pushes stray hair off my face "I'm here with you I promise". I shut my eyes and breathe trying to get myself together. She offers her hand to me hesitantly, I take a final second to steel myself for what's to come and put my hand in hers.

Her grip doesn't falter as we walk to the front door my heart hammering in my chest. As we reach the front door I feel like I'm frozen to the spot, I try will my arm to ring the bell but all my muscles have turned to lead. Arizona glances at me and gives me a reassuring smile her dimples lighting up her face. My body relaxes a fraction and I manage a tiny nod to tell her I'm ok and she rings the bell.

My mother opens the door. She looks the same, her shoulder length hair catches in the weak morning sunshine that illuminates her face. I have her eyes, but her features are softer than mine and she seems more vulnerable than I remember, time obviously wearing her down.

"Eliza" she says quietly. I look to the floor unable to see her reaction. Arizona takes control and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for her presence.

"It's lovely to meet you Mrs Minnick, I'm Arizona". She must have entered the threshold because she calls back to me

"Eliza?" she prompts.

I take a deep breath and step inside.

I scan the hallway and catch sight of some framed pictures on the wall, carina and I at camp, the four of us all together in the garden. When I look up I find my mum staring at me and I make myself meet her gaze. We're both stood watching the other as if we could find the answers we wanted on the face alone. She gives me a look that is almost hopeful. Before I have time to fully understand it she catches herself and retreats to the kitchen muttering about drinks and the biscuits she's got in.

I inch forward into the hallway and stop at the closed door. I know what's behind it. I know I'll find my dad sat in his faded chair, the arms threadbare by now but it's presence was guaranteed no matter how terrible it's condition. My dad would never let the chair go. It always held a fascination for the both of us. Dad never wanted us climbing all over him but on those rare occasions he'd let us sit on his knee. It felt special both of us together elevated above the world. The door creeps open and I hear the unmistakable voice.

"Natasha what's going on?"

It's breathy and weaker but I'd recognise the voice anywhere. He opens the door and his face contorts in shock at my presence. He wasn't expecting to see me. His face is sunken in and he's attached to an o2 device which trails behind him. The last time I was here he was raging an uncontrollable force of anger; he's not quite that man anymore.

"Eliza" there's a cold smirk like he's pleased to see me but for all the wrong reasons. I'm beginning to wonder if it was his wish to see me again that brought me here.

My mom returns at that moment and I follow into the sitting room, Arizona close by. She sits beside me on the sofa and I can see her reviewing some more photos on the wall, smiling softly at a picture of us both on our first day of school.

We're all sat in an awkward silence after my mom's initial hubbub trying to feed everyone.

I can't take the silence anymore, I turn to my mom "are you still working?". My mom taught at the local elementary school, whenever we met new kids they'd always freak out when they realised we were Mrs Minnick's kid, everyone round here loved her.

"Finished a few years ago. I still help out though, I read with some of the kids a few afternoons a month and make costumes for the play. Danielle who you used to play with teaches there now second grade".

I smile at my mom's exploits I'm glad she's still busy.

"What about you, what do you do now?"

Arizona stiffens slightly beside me, I think she's sad they don't know what I do.

"I'm a surgeon" I say quietly, I'm way or carina's presence in anything I say. She was determined to be a surgeon, she'd have loved the idea of working at Grey Sloan. Not the fact that they break a lot of rules which would have stressed her no end but because she admired Ellis Grey. There were endless nights where we would listen to her lectures, Carina narrating excitedly to make sure I understood the extent of Grey's brilliance. Carina would have been an amazing surgeon; she just never got chance.

"I teach residency programmes as well".

My dad doesn't seem to be listening, staring through the window outside. My mum gives a strained smile my being a surgeon was never as guaranteed. I was smart but wasn't as sure what I wanted to do, I followed carina into medical school. For me to go on and become a surgeon alone must have surprised her.

The conversation falters again but this time it's my Mom who breaks the silence.

"It was the flowers".

I nod, she's answered a question I had ever since the phone call. I knew there was a chance it could eventually lead to something like this but I had to.

"I looked for you before but there wasn't a way to contact you. I was there when they were being delivered this year I spoke to the delivery guy. He remembered me from school, his brother was in my class. When I told him about you he looked your number up on the system. He told me he shouldn't, he was very kind. He said there's a different order ever year, arrives at the same time, same day like clockwork".

"I .. I didn't know what she'd like".

Arizona grabs my hand and squeezes it. My Mom sees the gesture and I can't quite read her gaze. My Mom and dad were never thrilled about my sexuality and I worry she's annoyed.

"Wait here there's something I want to give you".

I'm intrigued as to what my Mom will return with but I don't get long to ponder, my Dad seems to have been dragged to the present by her leaving.

"You're a surgeon?" he asks roughly, his voice might be weaker but his powerful intent remains undiminished. It wasn't always like this. Growing up I was often on the receiving end of his temper from my exploits, when my school report revealed all the homework I'd been avoiding, the time I was caught sneaking in from a party at 16. He could be harsh, but I knew he loved me that it was just his way. Now the anger remains but I'm honestly not sure if there's any love for me.

"Orthopaedics".

He sneers "You weren't cut out for cardio then".

I nod and try keep my face neutral. My Dad loved the idea of having a cardio surgeon in the family. Carina played along with it, doing what was expected of her as she always did, but she never thought that would be her path. I know it wouldn't have been. She was there with me throughout my training. Through my intern year, watching in my first solo surgery. She saw the heart surgeries I assisted on and she surveyed them with professional interest, but it never really caught her attention. I fell in love with ortho while she laughed at how she'd never have had the strength to break bones. She adored seeing the kids on peds, she'd have loved Arizona and seeing her work. Everything about her though was for general she thrived on the variety, always being need. That was where she would have been I know it, she told me.

I obviously fail at keeping my face neutral.

"Are you laughing at me" he murmurs angrily.

"No no I'm not laughing it's just Carina…"

I've finally released the pin on the grenade which is her name, it lands and destroys everything.

"Don't you say her name" he growls grasping the cane by his chair he struggles to stand his oxygen comes loose. I rush to try fix it.

"Here let me". I'd been busy looking at the wires crouched down in front of the machine, so I have no warning of the backhand that hits me square in the face.

I was unprepared for the blow and it knocks me backwards on the floor. I look up into his eyes and all I can see is hatred.

Arizona has sprung to her feet "Mr Minnick" she yells but he's not listening he's too wrapped up in rage to be talked down.

"You should never have come back here I told you last time what would happen if you did.

I nod I remember. Arriving back from the hospital id tried to apologise. He slapped me then and told me I had an hour to be out of his sight if he saw me after that he wouldn't be responsible for his actions. The thing that hurt me most wasn't the pain or the threat but that my Mom only stood and watched. She didn't say anything else to me not even as she watched me walk out of the door. I hurried to collect some things but really took reminders of carina. Her beloved edition of the secret garden the pictures of us, of her arranged lovingly above her bed. The last thing I saw was her exam results on her desk and the reminder that his was all on me.

And that was my life since then travelling and running. Rootless. Because my roots all died here and right now they're threatening to choke me.

"I'm sorry" I plead "I'm so sorry".

He launches the cane on my stomach with surprising force and I curl up with the pain.

Arizona rushes to grab it but he pushes her backwards with it. She lands awkwardly on the floor and has to readjust her prosthetic.

"Don't say you're sorry". He hits me again "It should have been you".

"I know" I shout "I know it should have been me. Do you think a single day hasn't gone past where I didn't know she could have done more?"

I sigh and shut my eyes, I'm not going to fight this I'll take whatever forced penance he wants to dole out on me it wont ever beat what I've done to myself over the years.

"Go on then carry on. Hit me" I goad him.

He strikes again. I catch a glimpse of Arizona desperately trying to fix her leg while my dad brings up the cane once more. I close my eyes at the wave of pain that hits me and wait for his next blow. It never comes.

"Stop" my mum says quietly "Daniel stop".

I risk opening my eyes and my mum has her hands on the cane silently encouraging him to let it go. His arms tremble as he battles with his anger to comply with her request eventually she takes it from him and helps him sit down in his chair.

He's silently crying as she crouches in front of hi and strokes his cheek softly.

"It wasn't her fault" she tells him.

Her eyes never leave his, but her words have a wider audience she's absolving me.

"It wasn't Eliza's fault. It was an accident. Carina wouldn't want this. It was an accident".

Arizona is now standing over me, she offers me her hands and pulls me up, dragging me up from the floor as she always does.

I lean gently on her as we walk out throwing one last look at the scene and the forever broken wreckage that resides in this room.

I'm about to walk out of the front door "Eliza wait please".

I turn to face her and she tentatively approaches me eying the blood smeared on my face with distress. She opens my right hand and gently places a ring box in my hand.

"I want you to have this. It was my great grandmother's it's been passed through the family to eldest daughter. I was going to keep it, it wasn't fair to choose."

"But" she falters as we both know why she doesn't have to "I want you to have it". She looks at Arizona it can be for someone special".

"Thanks" I whisper.

"Eliza I'm sorry please don't stay away again. I lost one daughter that day I should never have lost two it's my biggest regret".

I look at her desperate face but I can't help but see the one which watched me impassively all those years ago.

"I'm sorry" I head to the door but at the last second I turn to her "give me time". It's all I can offer her.

She nods and gives me a quiet smile.

As soon as the door shuts I stagger a little and increase my grip on Arizona suddenly hit by everything that has happened in there.

When the car pulls away I don't look back.


	10. Chapter 10

**Arizona**

We've been driving for a few minutes in silence. I'm just taking the time to calm down because I want to have a hold of myself for what I say next. I pull into a layby and cut the car. She turns to me panicked " is it your leg? Does it hurt? Let me look at it". She tries to check the prosthetic but I push her hand away and her face crumbles.

"I am so sorry. You have to believe me I'd have never let you come if I thought he was going to hurt you I swear I wouldn't".

I realise she thinks I blame her, that's why I wouldn't let her touch me.

"Stop talking" my voice is firm because I can't hear any more of this.

It took me a little bit by surprise, but I fell on the floor it's not the end of the world. Any pain I felt was nothing compared to the struggle of not being able to stop her being hurt. Or the frustration I feel now that she's already sat here bleeding and she's beating herself up some more about me. I'm not the person we need to worry about right now and it scares me that she doesn't see that.

I gently take her chin and bring it up, so I can look at her blood smeared face. I take my pen light from the glove box and do a quick neuro check- there doesn't seem to be any signs of concussion but for the moment it's going to distort her beautiful face.

I stroke her cheek and ask for permission I know she won't want to give.

"Show me" I ask quietly.

She shakes her head.

" Look at me" she's resisting but I just keep my voice calm.

" Look at me".

Eventually she lifts her eyes to meet mine and I lose myself in their depths, even covered in bruises she could never be anything less than stunning. I lean forward and give her a tender kiss, she's reluctant at first still scared I'm angry with her but then she meets me. I let her know she's ok, I'm not mad, my lips reassuring her without words. As I pull away I put my hands on the bottom of her shirt and wait. Her eyes drop down despondent, but she gives a small nod. Gradually pulling her shirt up I reveal the shocking red stripes across her skin and my breath catches in my throat. I don't think there's any internal bleeding but I press on her abdomen to check in case and she wince despite her clear attempts to prevent herself. When I've finished I lean over and kiss her stomach gently before letting her top fall from my hands.

" I can see why you don't go home much" I joke unsure of how to tackle everything that just happened, and I'm rewarded with a genuine Eliza smile.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have encouraged you- I brought you here to get beaten"

She shakes her head "don't feel bad" her famous smirk also makes a reappearance "besides you can't bring me anywhere".

"You just said you wouldn't have brought me!"

" I know" she replies with a wicked grin.

It's nice to have flashes of the Eliza I'm used to but something about it doesn't sit right.

"What did your dad mean when he said he told you what would happen if you came back?".

Her smile slips but she tries to catch it "it's nothing. Do you want me to drive back?"

"You're a terrible liar".

She sighs "I promise I didn't know he'd hurt you".

" I know, and he didn't hurt me, I'm fine" I see her relax a little "but you're not".

" It's not a big deal".

" Has he done this before?"

Surgeons are terrible for minimising their injuries. We're used to healing people, we don't want to be the ones who need to be taken care of. Eliza's an ortho she'll have seen some breaks in her time, so I'm not surprised she isn't concerned about her bruises. There's more to it though. It's not just the injuries, she's unphased by the fact her dad assaulted her. I know she didn't know he'd hurt me, but I have a horrible feeling she knew he'd hurt her.

"He never hit anyone else" she mumbles hoping I'd avoid the implication of her sentence.

"But he hit you?" I say quietly.

She doesn't even need to reply I can see it clearly, if anyone asked me if my dad ever hit me I'd be outraged she's just impassive.

"When I came back from the hospital I tried to apologise. He hit me told me I had an hour to get out of his sight or he couldn't be held responsible if he saw me after that."

I can't imagine how that must have felt coming out of hospital only to be broken all over again.

"I'm so sorry Eliza".

"It's fine" she sniffles and puts on her brightest voice " I'm ok let's get back before Avery gets a chance to kick me out of the hospital".

" Please don't" it's uncomfortable to watch someone try this hard to pretend they're fine.

"Don't what?" she asks confused.

"Pretend you're ok. You let yourself go back there and the same thing happened he hurt you again you don't have to pretend you're not upset about what he did".

"I'm not".

Oh god. My stomach turns to ice because I believe her, I don't think she did go there in the hope he'd forgive her.

"Tell me you didn't go there for that to happen".

She won't look at me anymore.

"For god's sake why would you do that. That's why you didn't fight back isn't it you thought you deserved it".

" I hoped he would forgive me but deep down I knew he never would" she whispers under her breath "why would he."

This guilt is going to kill her so I'm determined to snap her out of it.

"Do you know why I was on the plane?"

Greysloan has an extensive gossip mill, I dread to think the things she's heard about me, but I'm not sure she will have heard this. She shakes her head.

" Karev got an offer for a fellowship and I was so mad at him at the last second I took his place just to screw with him. I chose to get on that plane. I thought about that a lot in my hospital bed after. I lost my brother years ago he was serving and he got injured and all we got was a flag."

"Arizona I'm so …"

I wave away her words not letting her jump at a chance to not talk about her.

" Tim had chosen to serve his country he made that choice, a brave important choice because he wanted to protect others. I'd made a stupid choice when I was angry and now I would have a reminder for ever of that decision. I spent so much time punishing myself for that choice, hating myself for it. But I came to realise, doctors get on planes every day to go help at other hospitals. They switch at the last second all the time. It was just unlucky that our plane crashed when all those other doctors who had made the choice to get on a plane, to switch were fine."

Her eyes are wide listening.

"People choose to go out and celebrate their exam results all the time. Every year people make that choice it wasn't wrong to do that. You were just unlucky, tragically unlucky".

She's shaking her head.

"Do you think it was my fault I lost my leg. I chose to get on the plane do you think it was my fault?

"No of course I don't" she's offended at the suggestion but it's exactly what she's doing to herself.

"Then why are you punishing yourself for a choice?"

"It's not the same" she replies frustrated.

"No because your choice hurt didn't hurt you it's that which tears you apart isn't it?"

"Don't" she warns.

"Is that why you told your dad you wish it was you- so at least it would be you paying?"

" I said it because it should have been me" she snaps angrily "I was drunk I was the one who should have been injured".

"But it wasn't. It wasn't you. You have to get that you didn't die".

"You think I don't know that?"

" I don't know do you? Because you don't act like it. She died its screwed up and horrible but she died and you didn't. You're still here but you won't let yourself be here. You just run and it's not like you're running to anything it's just cos you're scared. "

"I'm not scared" she hisses angry I'm not buying her fearless act.

"No, you're terrified" echoing the accusation she threw at me in the carpark weeks ago and it doesn't go unnoticed by her and she bristles in opposition. She was right about me then, and I'm right about her now.

" You're terrified of really living being happy".

"You don't know what you're talking about" she tries to protest.

"Oh I do. I bailed so many times when things got tough."

Look you can blame yourself for ever, not care when people beat you because it saves you the job, carry on under all this guilt until the stars go cold. But it won't bring your sister back, it won't change the fact that you're alive, you lived whether you think you should have done or not.

So be here- live you deserve that".

I barely catch my breath before Eliza takes my face in her hands kissing me passionately. When she eventually pulls away she looks at me with such intensity I feel somehow exposed.

"You're really something Arizona Robbins" she whispers.

"You know it baby" and feel her smile in return. I pull out of the layby and we set off back to Seattle; I'm taking her home.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey someone paged me?"

If there's a better sight in a busy shift than Arizona approaching you wearing her sexiest determined look, I haven't found it.

"That was me. I need your help _very_ urgent" I purred, oh its urgent alright.

"Great" she beams "where we headed?"

"My place or yours tonight, the minute we are off work. I don't care if you have other plans they're cancelled".

The way I feel right now even a dying little baby might not win the battle of who needs her more.

"So you paged me for a dinner date?" she asks incredulously.

"Sure we can eat" I tell her graciously, I am very generous like that "but my plans are more …. naked"

"To be clear I mean sex" I clarify a little disheartened about her response.

"Yeah I got that"

Ah so it's not my lust driven ambiguous phrasing that's the problem, I'm the problem she just doesn't want it.

It's been like this for a while now. Things had been awkward between us physically after our little road trip. The last time we tried was as awesome as ever until I pulled off my shirt and her face fell in an instant as she caught sight of the ugly stripes. I'd never felt more naked in that moment even though I was mostly clothed, and my shirt went back on in record time.

It killed the mood somewhat and we haven't tried anything else since. I'm determined tonight that's about to change. The once vivid red marks have faded to a less threatening pink and I'm not letting them get in the way again. Even if I have to bandage myself like a mummy or keep her blindfolded all night I want her. Unfortunately, I just don't think she wants me.

"But you're hesitating. I came on too strong, you're not ready, you're weirded out".

I never found out the reason because a terrified child appears in a stroke of brilliant timing. It's ok though I'm not taking no for an answer. We might have to work now but the minute we got off, well, that's another story.


End file.
